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Shirley's Essays: Writing For My Elder Brother--001: There Is No Title
Shirley's Essays: Writing For My Elder Brother--002: My First Dream
Shirley's Essays: Writing For My Elder Brother--003:What I Had Realized...
When I was a child, when I began to remember things, I knew I had an elder brother who could not walk with his legs, every day, he stayed in a pushcart by my mother, sometimes he moved relied on his arms on the bed...
However, my mother asked me calling him "elder brother".I did not understand why he looked so small, but, he was my elder brother...
When I was younger than 6 years old, I started to go to school while to look after my old brother... I was the youngest and shortest one in the classmates so that every one called me "a little potato"¡
My elder brother could not go with his legs, but, he was very smart. He always be the first number in the class and also he taught me to do so many things... just for him, I knew how to play the Chinese chess, to start to read a thick literature book when I was 8 or 9 years old, and I could do many thing belong a little boy ... because my brother wanted to do that, and I wanted accompanying him to do that, too...
One day, I took a very beautiful picture from a little boy, my elder brother told the thing to my father so that my father beat me a slap and asked me to give it back the boy. Just from that day, I knew, we could not take anything from the others and I knew that picture in fact was a very important bill...
Then I went to the middle school, my elder brother could not site normally, then, he could only lie on the bed... since I went to the university, he could not sat up again. But,I called him often to tell him every thing in my heart... I could still remember the last time I saw him, his face, his tears in his eyes, also that was the last time I cut the hair for him and washed the face for him...
His eyes very big and very black, right now, I can see him in my mind, it is so clear. I can not believe that he has gone, and I just feel I should go to the place where he is staying to see him once ...
Even though he was dead at his 48 years old, in his middle age,he should be the happiest person in his mental world, because he has a great mother -- my mother...
When my mother was a student in a University in Guangzhou, my father was a student in a martial college in Shanghai, then he worked in Beijing. When my mother was in her 3rd year in the university, she took part in the army. Then she was sent to a very poor place to help the local farmers and then, she was in pregnancy. The too poor life coundition and the food lacked making my elder brother was born only 7 months.
Just when was 4th month old, his legs started to be broken, for this reason, my mother was arranged to work in Beijing and treated my brother in the hospital in Beijing and Shanghai. Then,I was born in Beijing.
When I was very young, my father was sent to open a wasteland in the border with his army and my mother gave up her work in Beijing to accompany him.
In the more than 40 years, my mother kept looking after my elder brother in person, he was always in a clear clothes, nice heart and be respected by me as his young sister.
My elder brother's bone lacked the normal lay out side, that is why it was broken as long as to be hit lightly, and also could be connected by itself... every time, it was my mother to hold him and to make some thing to make the bone to be connected ok, also several time, he was sick terrible, but he could be ok for my mother kept the doctors to treat him once and once...
My mother liked to read and write and she was very serious on the children education. She did not allow me to offer a guest a cup of tea with one hand (That is not polite in Chinese culture) and she asked me to recite more than 1000 Chinese classical poems. She asked me that must call my brother "elder brother ", she asked me to respect him, to love him, and to take care of him...that is why, every time, when I went back home, I would try to help my brother to clean, to wash and to cook for him naturally...
However, she did never allow me to learn art and music as my occupation when I was chose by a famous art teacher and a band because my aunt was in a very sad situation in the Culture Revolution as an artist -- Her son was dead and her husband left...
I did not understand why until the day that my mother forced me to leave from my art learning classmates and my first art teacher with many tears. Until the day she forced me to give up my will to be a student in an art college and to arrange me to take part in the first national examination for entering a university to learn Chinese Classical Language and Literature after the Culture Revolution was finished finally in 1978, I just know the story of my aunt and I just started to know my mother's deep love to me...
I love my mother very much and I know her heart and her love as any mother to their daughters, that is why, I have being offering her a happy story and trying to make her feel good and happy... In fact, even though I like my current occupation right now, sometimes, I also weep in the later night when I saw or heard some beautiful paintings or music for a deep pity in the bottom of my heart...
--Shirley
Writtern on the night that my elder brother was dead on 15th., November, 2002
Edited on 28th.,Jun,2005
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Shirley's Essays : Lives - 002: Writing For My Elder Brother--002: My First Dream
Do you know what is the first dream of mine ?
I wanted to be a doctor, because, since I could remember thing, I knew my elder brother could not go with his own legs, and my mother often wept for him...
Very often, I could hear the terrible crying from my elder brother, for his bone broke be a hit lightly...
For treating the legs of my brothers, my mother went to Beijing, Shanghai and many big hospitals, also invited so many traditional medicine doctors to come my home to treat him... anyway, there is no any result... It is said until now, there is no a way to treat in the world.
Every time, when I heard the pain crying, I said to myself, I must go to the medicine university to be a doctor when I grow up...
Every time when I saw the tears on the face of my mother, I told myself to be a doctor...
So, when I was a child, I started to learn something about Chinese traditional medicine... I learned acupuncture and injection on my boy so that some times my legs changed blue and black by the too many punctures, I thought I could find a way to treat my elder brother...
I remember, one of the title of the compositions in my middle school is "My Dream", I wrote that I wanted to be a doctor, and my teacher gave me 100 mark.
I did not believe the judgment of the doctors and I hoped I could treat my elder brother to be ok when I finish learning medicine...
My elder brother was so smart. He could make the plane model and made it to fly in the sky. He could repair the clock and many the other things... He could win every one on the Chinese chess...He is the one I most admired...
He was elder so much than me, but he needed to be protected by me... I never allow anyone to insult him and I had fought a very big boy for he insulted my elder brother. That was the only once for me to fight with the other in my whole of the life and my knees were blooding... that year, I was about 11 years old.
Now he has gone to the other world and I can not be a doctor, also I did not see him when he went, it is said that is only 10 minutes. My parents looked at him for 48 houses, during he was in a narcosis, a best doctor was invited from the other hospital... he had no any pain when he was gone. He went by my parents...
He went with the love from my parents. He was the loved most by my parents... He was a happiest in his mental world...
--Shirley
Written on the night that my elder brother was gone on November 15., 2002
Edited on 28th.,June,2005
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Shirley's Essays: Lives - 003: Writing For My Elder Brother--003:What I Had Realized...
It was so sad thing to lose my brother. I could not sleep whole of night when I got this news...
However, I also realized that my brother went with the love of my parents. I realized that is not every child can get this kind of treatment by their parents. He in fact was a most lucky person to live in my home... to have my mother and my father to be his parents...
I in fact have a couple of the best parents in the world... I should write a book for my brother and my parents...
Do you know? My parents and my brother are so beautiful people... They look like very pretty...
Maybe that is a good thing for my parents, especially for my mother, finally she accomplished her responsibility and she can be free first time... just for my brother, she did not go her hometown many many years, and she could not leave of the home few days...
My mother affects me so much. Just she lets me know as a woman, should be responsible for her child and family... just for the education of her, I did not go on a wrong way in so many years when I am living in a totally strange city by myself... Also just for the affects of her, I love to read, to write and to think with my own mind...
I can feel both of my mother and my father are relying on each other so much... maybe the power of love of theirs support them to go over so long life road and to take care a so poor son for 48 years together...
Every one who comes to my home admiring my brother for his smart and for him to be taken care so nice...
Could you imagine? He has been on the bed many years, but, there is no any bedsore on his body... My mother made kinds of things for him with the feather for him to lie on¡
He took part in to discuss everything in my home. He played chess with my father. He could ask any requests as the others in the family... he was an equal one with the other member in the home.. He was the elder brother. He should be respected by his young sister...
He knew many things in the world. He could talk about the things in the world as any people, because the first radio of my home was on his bed, the first TV in my home was in his room, the newspaper of my home was given him to read at the first, the sitting room of my home became his room in the day time. Even, he had a monthly magazine about flights...
He helped me to recite the text to past the national examination. He taught me the complex mathematics. Many nights, he asked me questions while he lied on the bed. I gave the answers sitting on the floor...
I do not know how can my parents bear the loneliness when they lost my elder brother, so, I wanted to go home, maybe I should go to pick them up to my city, to go out of the sad environment¡
--Shirley
Written in the night that my elder brother was gone on 15th.,November,2002
Edited on 28th.,.June,2005
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Lives
